Why kids lose their cool (and how science says we can help them calm down)

A mum’s journey into neuroscience, big feelings, and why I accidentally ended up writing a book for kids

If you’re raising a child right now, chances are you’ve heard (or yelled), “JUST CALM DOWN!” more times than you can count. I used to think calming down was simply a matter of “trying harder.” Then I learned that for kids, calming down is much more like trying to stop a runaway train… with a pool noodle.

I only learned any of this because I was a mum desperately trying to understand why everyday frustrations—spilled cereal, lost shoes, a sibling touching literally anything—could lead to volcanic emotional eruptions.

So I did what mums do: I researched, read, asked experts, and slowly pieced together the science of kids’ stress, anger, and emotional regulation.

Eventually, that rabbit hole of late-night research turned into my wellbeing series for kids, Wellbeing Hacks, which teaches children the same science-backed tools I had to learn the long, clumsy way.

This blog isn’t about selling a book, though. It’s about sharing the evidence behind what actually helps kids calm down, cope better, and build resilience—especially when those big feelings feel bigger than they are.

The science: kids aren’t overreacting—their brains are still under construction

Most parents have heard of the amygdala—the part of the brain responsible for detecting threat. What I didn’t know (until much later!) is that in children, the amygdala fires more quickly and more intensely than in adults.

This is why your 8-year-old can go from “everything’s fine” to “my life is over” in half a second.

Inside Wellbeing Hack #9 – Manage Your Angries, the amygdala is described in kid-friendly terms as “the almond-shaped part of your brain that acts like an alarm system” 

When kids feel challenged, embarrassed, frustrated, insecure or treated unfairly, that alarm can blast at full volume—even when there’s no actual danger.

Meanwhile… the part that helps them calm down is still growing.

The prefrontal cortex (the logical, reasoning part) doesn’t fully mature until around age 25. Studies show this mismatch — fast emotional system + slow logical brakes — is why children struggle with:

• anger

• impulse control

• perspective-taking

• emotional regulation

• calming themselves after a trigger

This isn’t a behaviour problem. It’s a developmental fact.

Fight–flight–freeze is still the default

When researchers talk about children's stress systems, they consistently identify the sympathetic nervous system as responsible for the amped-up physical symptoms — tight fists, red face, hot body—which is normalised by Frizz in my book.

In kids, this system activates fast… and takes longer to settle.

Deep breathing isn’t fluffy wellness advice — it’s biologically powerful

I used to think deep breathing was just a Pinterest idea. Then I discovered the physiology. And I noticed top athletes incorporating deep breathing into their match day routines.

Slow breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps dampen the amygdala and reduce cortisol. 

Neuroscientists have found that just 6 deep breaths can:

• lower heart rate

• reduce stress hormones

• increase emotional control

• send “safety” signals back to the brain

No wonder breathing is one of the most recommended tools in child psychology, and you’ll find it in Hack #1 – Calm Your Mind.

Grounding activities: the secret weapon for kids who can’t calm down

One of the biggest “aha” moments for me was learning about interoception—our ability to notice internal body signals. Kids with big emotions often have underdeveloped interoceptive skills. That’s why grounding techniques (touch, sensation, movement) work so well.

My book lists simple grounding tools: rubbing hands together, cold sensations, movement, sensory focus. These align with both occupational therapy and trauma-informed practice, which consistently show grounding helps children:

• interrupt runaway emotions

• shift attention

• lower physiological arousal

• regain self-control

It’s not magic. It’s brain science.

Kids need tools…in kid speak

I learned this the hard way.

Telling a child to ‘’stop being angry” is a little like telling someone underwater to “just breathe normally.” They would if they could.

What kids really need is:

• language for their internal world

• strategies to regulate themselves

• practice using them outside of crises

• permission to have feelings without shame

In my book you’ll find activities and information about: the anger scale, your fuse list, and the cycle of anger. These are powerful because they help kids build emotional literacy—something well-established in psychology research as essential for long-term wellbeing.

Why I ended up creating resources for kids

I never set out to write a children’s wellbeing book. I’m not a psychologist or neuroscientist. I’m just a mum who fell into the world of brain science because I wanted to help my kids with anxiety, big emotions and mental health.

But as I read more research, and then trialled strategies on my own children, I realised two things:

1. Kids don’t need perfect parents. They need informed ones who can help kids develop wellbeing skills.

2. Science is powerful, but only when it’s explained in kid-sized pieces.

That’s where Wellbeing Hacks came from. Not expertise—just desperation, curiosity, and a whole lot of late-night reading.

If you’re a parent like me, here’s what the research reassures us:

1. You’re not failing. Your child’s brain is developing exactly as expected.

Anger, meltdowns and frustration are not signs of bad behaviour—they’re signs of normal neural wiring.

2. Emotional regulation is a skill, not a personality trait.

And skills can be taught, practised and strengthened.

3. The earlier kids learn regulation skills, the stronger their resilience becomes.

Studies show that children who learn breathing, grounding, and cognitive reframing early are better equipped for:

• anxiety

• frustration tolerance

• problem-solving

• social skills

4. You don’t need to be a scientist to teach your child the science.

Trust me… I’m living proof.

👉 Check out the book now

With support

Lena